--2 ounces of gin
--barely a teaspoon of vermouth
--an olive which is stirred in the drink briefly, but not allowed to create a scene

      Marionette is a no-frills drinker. All other martinis, in her estimation, are "bastard martinis." She takes her gin as seriously as she does the fossils of large, meaty carnivores. The method of preparation for the basic martini, as practiced by bartender Steady Ed at Marionette's favorite watering hole, The Invisible Martini, is as follows:

      First, chill the gin, vermouth, shaker, and glasses in the fridge. This is not a room-temperature operation. Next, pour the gin into the shaker, which should contain crushed ice. Allow the gin to flirt with the ice for about a minute. Pour in the vermouth, but be careful. You want very little vermouth in the final product. Some people add no more than four or five drops. (People with very bad livers skip the vermouth altogether and increase the amount of gin, but that's a different story.) Now you're ready to shake the mixture. Stirring is an option, but Marionette would not approve of this deviation in the least. The container is called a shaker for a reason. Finally, pour the liquid into a martini glass (please do not use anything so vulgar as a tumbler). Dip the olive, via toothpick, into the liquid. The pimento is considered by most people to be ostentatious. So is leaving the olive in the drink, but there is some disagreement on this last point. As far as the brand of gin is concerned, Tanqueray is recommended, as is Bombay Blue Sapphire dry gin.

      These days, of course, there are many variations of the classic martini. These involve, in varying combinations, the use of vodka, lemons and limes, various liqueurs, and even Scotch. These concoctions can have many colorful names, such as Wonder Fizz, Leaping Lizard, Olive Blanco, Bruiser, Nude Sling, etc. Out of respect for the main character in The Erotic Manifesto, I shall not endeavor to describe these drinks, which may or may not be most excellent.